The whole situation with my ex-husband is long and complicated with multiple facets. But I have come to terms with it, because I disassembled all that happened into single components and slowly demolished that monstrous wall. There is one aspect though that I have never talked about and that sometimes still bothers me: the huge disappointment caused by my ex-mother-in-law.
Continue readingTag: commitment
Abandoned
I can barely remember my childhood and teenage years. I have repressed most memories from that time of my life, but I know that I felt abandoned by everyone. No one was there and nothing was talked about. That feeling of people leaving me all alone, I have carried with me for a long time.
Continue readingGrace and closure
I left my long-term boyfriend in the worst possible way. It’s one of my biggest regrets in life. It’s not the break-up that I regret, but the hurtful way I went through with it. He did not deserve this. I was a coward and a fool. I convinced myself that I understood life, but the truth is, he was way ahead of me.
Continue readingLost control
He died. That’s drama enough. Everyone showed compassion and nobody knew what to say. But the background is that I was hiding him and I was embarrassed to tell people that I was pregnant. I can’t have him now and I didn’t even honor him by showing my joy for his existence. I so wish now that I could do it differently.
Continue readingWhitewashing
In a way he ruined my life. I don’t know. Maybe it was my lack of self-confidence that prevented me from leaving him sooner. But I liked him. We could have had a great marriage. He could have had a nice and successful life with me, but he simply didn’t play along.
Continue readingDark spots
I had a very small family that consisted only of my parents, two grandmothers and me. Of those four, I wished three of them dead. This is a dark chapter from my past that I don’t like to look at.
Continue readingThe teaching thing
I’m caught up in the possibility of marriage right now. I’m still undecided but the cons outweigh the pros for me. Maybe it’s not the right choice. For the time being I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt, that there are some things that I should hold my horses on and let time settle them. For example the sexual interaction, that’s one main thing, and her naivety.
Continue readingThere is no perfect
I would label myself a relationship addict. I have these weird controversial ideas about life. I tried to dig deep in my feelings, emotions and reactions to find out what was the reason I became like this. Why are relationships so important to me and how am I functioning at all in relationships?
Continue readingEither way will be fine
I want to say something out loud for myself that has been progressing for some time. It’s the possibility of having a child. I want it to be a recognition that it’s ok either way – if it happens, great, if it doesn’t, it’s also fine. I want to be able to come to that point where I can say and feel that it’s ok and it’s not such a big deal.
Continue readingI was a huge asshole
Once you start telling a person “I love you” there is no going back. At the beginning it’s real. Towards the end you are less confident about saying it but you don’t want to show it. That’s when it only gets worse, and that for me, is cowardice. Cowardice is something that underlies a lot of my relationships. Now that I have realized this over the past years, I can call it out more easily.
Continue reading