I did what my mother used to do when she dropped me at the airport. I stood as close as I could to the hospital fence and waved until you had disappeared. You turned around several times to look at me, laughing. I was the last person you called before you turned off your phone. You said you were already wearing support stockings, I said, well then, nothing can go wrong.
Continue readingTag: decision
A strong victim
The whole situation with my ex-husband is long and complicated with multiple facets. But I have come to terms with it, because I disassembled all that happened into single components and slowly demolished that monstrous wall. There is one aspect though that I have never talked about and that sometimes still bothers me: the huge disappointment caused by my ex-mother-in-law.
Continue readingUnwelcome dreams
Every month for a week, I dream that I am back together with my ex-husband and everything is fabulous. I wake up in the middle of the night and miss my old life while my husband is lying next to me. He has no idea about this. Not for anything in the world would I want to go back, but I can’t turn off these dreams. It’s a disaster.
Continue readingMissed opportunities
I’m a piece of my grandmother in terms of personality and how I look at life. There is a core piece of her soul that resides in me. She would have been happy to hear from me before she died. I fucked up, because I just looked at it logically. I was worried about what I had to say and how futile it would be. I am sure she would have understood this. I am sure she knew that I loved her. But I should have cared more about what she might have wanted to say to me rather than what I would have said to her.
Continue readingDifferent journeys
Since we broke up, my life has changed in many ways and there are so many new perspectives that I have incorporated into what I believe and who I am. I loved him and I still care about him, so I wish I could talk to him about what I have learned and initiate similar thoughts in him in some way.
Continue readingSilent protection
After leaving a place I completely cut all connections with my past. I stop talking to my friends. I don’t have any old relationships with anyone. People find this strange. How can you not keep ties with other people? Don’t you miss your friends? Yes partly. It’s not that they are not on my mind. Sometimes I wish I could talk with them or know what they are doing, but at the same time it’s not what I want.
Continue readingGrace and closure
I left my long-term boyfriend in the worst possible way. It’s one of my biggest regrets in life. It’s not the break-up that I regret, but the hurtful way I went through with it. He did not deserve this. I was a coward and a fool. I convinced myself that I understood life, but the truth is, he was way ahead of me.
Continue readingIt was Superman
I feel like I get messages whenever I am in difficult situations. At the beginning they were like a little push that I needed to make some decisions, but this year for the first time, I have decided to just close my eyes and trust the messages, which is super scary.
Continue readingWhitewashing
In a way he ruined my life. I don’t know. Maybe it was my lack of self-confidence that prevented me from leaving him sooner. But I liked him. We could have had a great marriage. He could have had a nice and successful life with me, but he simply didn’t play along.
Continue readingA thin line to walk
I would like my niece to know my story so that she understands what’s really behind it and that what she might be told at home may not be the only truth. One day she might look for other versions of reality, just as I did, and sometimes it’s very hard to find them.
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