A good human being

My mother never talked about herself or the things she experienced in her life. But I know she had a tough life that made her who she is: hard and bitter. This shaped not only her life but my life as well. Our relationship is a continuation of her own trauma, and I am only slowly carving my way out of it.

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Abandoned

I can barely remember my childhood and teenage years. I have repressed most memories from that time of my life, but I know that I felt abandoned by everyone. No one was there and nothing was talked about. That feeling of people leaving me all alone, I have carried with me for a long time.

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There is no perfect

I would label myself a relationship addict. I have these weird controversial ideas about life. I tried to dig deep in my feelings, emotions and reactions to find out what was the reason I became like this. Why are relationships so important to me and how am I functioning at all in relationships?

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I stand up for myself

I would like to tell my mother that she did nothing wrong. She feels that I am giving her the impression that she did something wrong because of how I live my life. I wish for her to be able to better accept me for who I am and what I believe. I wish for myself that I could speak out my mind without fearing an escalation of emotions in every instance.

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Was it really necessary to be so modest?

I recognize some of my mother’s characteristics in me, things that I’ve learned from her and which I regard highly. Of course, I sometimes ask myself if it was really necessary to be so modest. If she had possessed more, everything would have been more relaxed. But I learned this modesty from her because she had to live it. In my life I benefited from this experience and I would like to thank her for this. Without her example I wouldn’t have been able to support my own family in the past and today.

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