A good human being

My mother never talked about herself or the things she experienced in her life. But I know she had a tough life that made her who she is: hard and bitter. This shaped not only her life but my life as well. Our relationship is a continuation of her own trauma, and I am only slowly carving my way out of it.

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Missed opportunities

I’m a piece of my grandmother in terms of personality and how I look at life. There is a core piece of her soul that resides in me. She would have been happy to hear from me before she died. I fucked up, because I just looked at it logically. I was worried about what I had to say and how futile it would be. I am sure she would have understood this. I am sure she knew that I loved her. But I should have cared more about what she might have wanted to say to me rather than what I would have said to her.

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Different journeys

Since we broke up, my life has changed in many ways and there are so many new perspectives that I have incorporated into what I believe and who I am. I loved him and I still care about him, so I wish I could talk to him about what I have learned and initiate similar thoughts in him in some way.

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Silent protection

After leaving a place I completely cut all connections with my past. I stop talking to my friends. I don’t have any old relationships with anyone. People find this strange. How can you not keep ties with other people? Don’t you miss your friends? Yes partly. It’s not that they are not on my mind. Sometimes I wish I could talk with them or know what they are doing, but at the same time it’s not what I want.

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Identifier

I have been insecure about my sexuality most of my adult life. It has not and was not always on the forefront of my mind, but the insecurities were always there. I wondered what was wrong with me because I didn’t really like sex, and I kind of hoped that this would change once I’d get into a relationship, which it did, but I can still say that I don’t feel like I have what I think would be considered a normal level of sexual desire.

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It was Superman

I feel like I get messages whenever I am in difficult situations. At the beginning they were like a little push that I needed to make some decisions, but this year for the first time, I have decided to just close my eyes and trust the messages, which is super scary.

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My right to exist

Like an evil ghost, there is a dark force inside of me that keeps trying to convince me that I am worth nothing. It tells me that I am not good enough for anything. It sells itself to me as the ultimate truth and insists that I don’t need to try to fool myself into believing otherwise.

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There is no perfect

I would label myself a relationship addict. I have these weird controversial ideas about life. I tried to dig deep in my feelings, emotions and reactions to find out what was the reason I became like this. Why are relationships so important to me and how am I functioning at all in relationships?

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I stand up for myself

I would like to tell my mother that she did nothing wrong. She feels that I am giving her the impression that she did something wrong because of how I live my life. I wish for her to be able to better accept me for who I am and what I believe. I wish for myself that I could speak out my mind without fearing an escalation of emotions in every instance.

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