Like an evil ghost, there is a dark force inside of me that keeps trying to convince me that I am worth nothing. It tells me that I am not good enough for anything. It sells itself to me as the ultimate truth and insists that I don’t need to try to fool myself into believing otherwise.
Continue readingCategory: Family
There is no perfect
I would label myself a relationship addict. I have these weird controversial ideas about life. I tried to dig deep in my feelings, emotions and reactions to find out what was the reason I became like this. Why are relationships so important to me and how am I functioning at all in relationships?
Continue readingI stand up for myself
I would like to tell my mother that she did nothing wrong. She feels that I am giving her the impression that she did something wrong because of how I live my life. I wish for her to be able to better accept me for who I am and what I believe. I wish for myself that I could speak out my mind without fearing an escalation of emotions in every instance.
Continue readingEither way will be fine
I want to say something out loud for myself that has been progressing for some time. It’s the possibility of having a child. I want it to be a recognition that it’s ok either way – if it happens, great, if it doesn’t, it’s also fine. I want to be able to come to that point where I can say and feel that it’s ok and it’s not such a big deal.
Continue readingShe has no access to me
I haven’t spoken to my sister for the last 9 years. I made this decision knowingly and willingly and I communicated it to her. I told her that she will never see me again if she leaves now, and she left. So I made this decision final for us. She never accepted it as such, but she has to live with it, just as I do.
Continue readingIs there unconditional love?
If I said this to my parents, I assume that our relationship would end. I am not ready to say it to them. I don’t really know how this would affect my mind. But I think it’s at the core of why I’m unhappy with my life even now.
Continue readingEverything so far has been a lie
I was never able to say this to anyone and maybe I never will be, to all the people around me who ever crossed my path and of course especially to those who are closest to me, that I have no general knowledge whatsoever. It is incredibly embarrassing. I’m ashamed of it. But it is what it is.
Continue readingIt’s ok that I am the way I am
My maternal grandmother would have turned 90 this year. She died exactly on her 72nd birthday. She had a heart attack while she was on the toilet. I don’t want to tell her things as much as I want to ask the 1000 questions I have for her. It might be some kind of search. There are surely many people in the world who have similarities with me, but within the family there is a strong desire for identification because these are my personal roots.
Continue readingThe heartbroken child is still there
In my mind I created this romantic father that he should have been or rather who I’d still like to have. I still miss this person. I would like to tell him about my life, my struggles, my sadness. I would like to have him as partner in crime and a person of trust.
Continue readingHer death was a turning point
I didn’t live life to the fullest, like every day could be my last. Since my mother died I consciously remind myself to live every day in a way that I could drop dead happily, without regrets, without having missed anything and without having left anything unsaid.
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