I did what my mother used to do when she dropped me at the airport. I stood as close as I could to the hospital fence and waved until you had disappeared. You turned around several times to look at me, laughing. I was the last person you called before you turned off your phone. You said you were already wearing support stockings, I said, well then, nothing can go wrong.
Continue readingCategory: Friends
Silent protection
After leaving a place I completely cut all connections with my past. I stop talking to my friends. I don’t have any old relationships with anyone. People find this strange. How can you not keep ties with other people? Don’t you miss your friends? Yes partly. It’s not that they are not on my mind. Sometimes I wish I could talk with them or know what they are doing, but at the same time it’s not what I want.
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I have been insecure about my sexuality most of my adult life. It has not and was not always on the forefront of my mind, but the insecurities were always there. I wondered what was wrong with me because I didn’t really like sex, and I kind of hoped that this would change once I’d get into a relationship, which it did, but I can still say that I don’t feel like I have what I think would be considered a normal level of sexual desire.
Continue readingDark spots
I had a very small family that consisted only of my parents, two grandmothers and me. Of those four, I wished three of them dead. This is a dark chapter from my past that I don’t like to look at.
Continue readingMy brother from a last life
I thought that after such a long period of unconditional, selfless standing by somebody, it would be the natural beauty of a person to show respect for the time, energy, support and resources that they have taken and have come to accept as their birthright. But he ended it very ungratefully.
Continue readingEverything so far has been a lie
I was never able to say this to anyone and maybe I never will be, to all the people around me who ever crossed my path and of course especially to those who are closest to me, that I have no general knowledge whatsoever. It is incredibly embarrassing. I’m ashamed of it. But it is what it is.
Continue readingCan I let a friendship go?
Even though this profound and close friendship no longer exists for over 3 years, I’m still torn between meeting him again to explain, tell him what I would have needed from him – and just leaving it as it is. I would like to tell him that it makes me sad and I am sorry how things developed between us. At the same time I know that it will never be the same again and I don’t know if we could develop a new friendship.
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