I want to say something out loud for myself that has been progressing for some time. It’s the possibility of having a child. I want it to be a recognition that it’s ok either way – if it happens, great, if it doesn’t, it’s also fine. I want to be able to come to that point where I can say and feel that it’s ok and it’s not such a big deal.
Continue readingShe has no access to me
I haven’t spoken to my sister for the last 9 years. I made this decision knowingly and willingly and I communicated it to her. I told her that she will never see me again if she leaves now, and she left. So I made this decision final for us. She never accepted it as such, but she has to live with it, just as I do.
Continue readingI was a huge asshole
Once you start telling a person “I love you” there is no going back. At the beginning it’s real. Towards the end you are less confident about saying it but you don’t want to show it. That’s when it only gets worse, and that for me, is cowardice. Cowardice is something that underlies a lot of my relationships. Now that I have realized this over the past years, I can call it out more easily.
Continue readingIs there unconditional love?
If I said this to my parents, I assume that our relationship would end. I am not ready to say it to them. I don’t really know how this would affect my mind. But I think it’s at the core of why I’m unhappy with my life even now.
Continue readingEverything so far has been a lie
I was never able to say this to anyone and maybe I never will be, to all the people around me who ever crossed my path and of course especially to those who are closest to me, that I have no general knowledge whatsoever. It is incredibly embarrassing. I’m ashamed of it. But it is what it is.
Continue readingIt’s ok that I am the way I am
My maternal grandmother would have turned 90 this year. She died exactly on her 72nd birthday. She had a heart attack while she was on the toilet. I don’t want to tell her things as much as I want to ask the 1000 questions I have for her. It might be some kind of search. There are surely many people in the world who have similarities with me, but within the family there is a strong desire for identification because these are my personal roots.
Continue readingThe heartbroken child is still there
In my mind I created this romantic father that he should have been or rather who I’d still like to have. I still miss this person. I would like to tell him about my life, my struggles, my sadness. I would like to have him as partner in crime and a person of trust.
Continue readingHer death was a turning point
I didn’t live life to the fullest, like every day could be my last. Since my mother died I consciously remind myself to live every day in a way that I could drop dead happily, without regrets, without having missed anything and without having left anything unsaid.
Continue readingMy decision was the right one
What was impossible to say up to now is clear to me today: In those days I looked after myself. I looked at my situation and the system I lived in. I want to confidently stand behind my decisions and communicate it that way, without becoming tense. I had very particular reasons for choosing the path of termination and not the path of pregnancy.
Continue readingCan I let a friendship go?
Even though this profound and close friendship no longer exists for over 3 years, I’m still torn between meeting him again to explain, tell him what I would have needed from him – and just leaving it as it is. I would like to tell him that it makes me sad and I am sorry how things developed between us. At the same time I know that it will never be the same again and I don’t know if we could develop a new friendship.
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