The whole situation with my ex-husband is long and complicated with multiple facets. But I have come to terms with it, because I disassembled all that happened into single components and slowly demolished that monstrous wall. There is one aspect though that I have never talked about and that sometimes still bothers me: the huge disappointment caused by my ex-mother-in-law.
Continue readingTag: children
Unwelcome dreams
Every month for a week, I dream that I am back together with my ex-husband and everything is fabulous. I wake up in the middle of the night and miss my old life while my husband is lying next to me. He has no idea about this. Not for anything in the world would I want to go back, but I can’t turn off these dreams. It’s a disaster.
Continue readingAbandoned
I can barely remember my childhood and teenage years. I have repressed most memories from that time of my life, but I know that I felt abandoned by everyone. No one was there and nothing was talked about. That feeling of people leaving me all alone, I have carried with me for a long time.
Continue readingLost control
He died. That’s drama enough. Everyone showed compassion and nobody knew what to say. But the background is that I was hiding him and I was embarrassed to tell people that I was pregnant. I can’t have him now and I didn’t even honor him by showing my joy for his existence. I so wish now that I could do it differently.
Continue readingEither way will be fine
I want to say something out loud for myself that has been progressing for some time. It’s the possibility of having a child. I want it to be a recognition that it’s ok either way – if it happens, great, if it doesn’t, it’s also fine. I want to be able to come to that point where I can say and feel that it’s ok and it’s not such a big deal.
Continue readingMy decision was the right one
What was impossible to say up to now is clear to me today: In those days I looked after myself. I looked at my situation and the system I lived in. I want to confidently stand behind my decisions and communicate it that way, without becoming tense. I had very particular reasons for choosing the path of termination and not the path of pregnancy.
Continue readingWas it really necessary to be so modest?
I recognize some of my mother’s characteristics in me, things that I’ve learned from her and which I regard highly. Of course, I sometimes ask myself if it was really necessary to be so modest. If she had possessed more, everything would have been more relaxed. But I learned this modesty from her because she had to live it. In my life I benefited from this experience and I would like to thank her for this. Without her example I wouldn’t have been able to support my own family in the past and today.
Continue reading