I had a very small family that consisted only of my parents, two grandmothers and me. Of those four, I wished three of them dead. This is a dark chapter from my past that I don’t like to look at.
Continue readingTag: decision
The teaching thing
I’m caught up in the possibility of marriage right now. I’m still undecided but the cons outweigh the pros for me. Maybe it’s not the right choice. For the time being I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt, that there are some things that I should hold my horses on and let time settle them. For example the sexual interaction, that’s one main thing, and her naivety.
Continue readingThere is no perfect
I would label myself a relationship addict. I have these weird controversial ideas about life. I tried to dig deep in my feelings, emotions and reactions to find out what was the reason I became like this. Why are relationships so important to me and how am I functioning at all in relationships?
Continue readingI stand up for myself
I would like to tell my mother that she did nothing wrong. She feels that I am giving her the impression that she did something wrong because of how I live my life. I wish for her to be able to better accept me for who I am and what I believe. I wish for myself that I could speak out my mind without fearing an escalation of emotions in every instance.
Continue readingEither way will be fine
I want to say something out loud for myself that has been progressing for some time. It’s the possibility of having a child. I want it to be a recognition that it’s ok either way – if it happens, great, if it doesn’t, it’s also fine. I want to be able to come to that point where I can say and feel that it’s ok and it’s not such a big deal.
Continue readingShe has no access to me
I haven’t spoken to my sister for the last 9 years. I made this decision knowingly and willingly and I communicated it to her. I told her that she will never see me again if she leaves now, and she left. So I made this decision final for us. She never accepted it as such, but she has to live with it, just as I do.
Continue readingI was a huge asshole
Once you start telling a person “I love you” there is no going back. At the beginning it’s real. Towards the end you are less confident about saying it but you don’t want to show it. That’s when it only gets worse, and that for me, is cowardice. Cowardice is something that underlies a lot of my relationships. Now that I have realized this over the past years, I can call it out more easily.
Continue readingEverything so far has been a lie
I was never able to say this to anyone and maybe I never will be, to all the people around me who ever crossed my path and of course especially to those who are closest to me, that I have no general knowledge whatsoever. It is incredibly embarrassing. I’m ashamed of it. But it is what it is.
Continue readingHer death was a turning point
I didn’t live life to the fullest, like every day could be my last. Since my mother died I consciously remind myself to live every day in a way that I could drop dead happily, without regrets, without having missed anything and without having left anything unsaid.
Continue readingMy decision was the right one
What was impossible to say up to now is clear to me today: In those days I looked after myself. I looked at my situation and the system I lived in. I want to confidently stand behind my decisions and communicate it that way, without becoming tense. I had very particular reasons for choosing the path of termination and not the path of pregnancy.
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