I’m caught up in the possibility of marriage right now. I’m still undecided but the cons outweigh the pros for me. Maybe it’s not the right choice. For the time being I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt, that there are some things that I should hold my horses on and let time settle them. For example the sexual interaction, that’s one main thing, and her naivety.
Continue readingTag: family
My right to exist
Like an evil ghost, there is a dark force inside of me that keeps trying to convince me that I am worth nothing. It tells me that I am not good enough for anything. It sells itself to me as the ultimate truth and insists that I don’t need to try to fool myself into believing otherwise.
Continue readingI stand up for myself
I would like to tell my mother that she did nothing wrong. She feels that I am giving her the impression that she did something wrong because of how I live my life. I wish for her to be able to better accept me for who I am and what I believe. I wish for myself that I could speak out my mind without fearing an escalation of emotions in every instance.
Continue readingShe has no access to me
I haven’t spoken to my sister for the last 9 years. I made this decision knowingly and willingly and I communicated it to her. I told her that she will never see me again if she leaves now, and she left. So I made this decision final for us. She never accepted it as such, but she has to live with it, just as I do.
Continue readingIs there unconditional love?
If I said this to my parents, I assume that our relationship would end. I am not ready to say it to them. I don’t really know how this would affect my mind. But I think it’s at the core of why I’m unhappy with my life even now.
Continue readingIt’s ok that I am the way I am
My maternal grandmother would have turned 90 this year. She died exactly on her 72nd birthday. She had a heart attack while she was on the toilet. I don’t want to tell her things as much as I want to ask the 1000 questions I have for her. It might be some kind of search. There are surely many people in the world who have similarities with me, but within the family there is a strong desire for identification because these are my personal roots.
Continue readingThe heartbroken child is still there
In my mind I created this romantic father that he should have been or rather who I’d still like to have. I still miss this person. I would like to tell him about my life, my struggles, my sadness. I would like to have him as partner in crime and a person of trust.
Continue readingWas it really necessary to be so modest?
I recognize some of my mother’s characteristics in me, things that I’ve learned from her and which I regard highly. Of course, I sometimes ask myself if it was really necessary to be so modest. If she had possessed more, everything would have been more relaxed. But I learned this modesty from her because she had to live it. In my life I benefited from this experience and I would like to thank her for this. Without her example I wouldn’t have been able to support my own family in the past and today.
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