I did what my mother used to do when she dropped me at the airport. I stood as close as I could to the hospital fence and waved until you had disappeared. You turned around several times to look at me, laughing. I was the last person you called before you turned off your phone. You said you were already wearing support stockings, I said, well then, nothing can go wrong.
Continue readingTag: heartbroken
A strong victim
The whole situation with my ex-husband is long and complicated with multiple facets. But I have come to terms with it, because I disassembled all that happened into single components and slowly demolished that monstrous wall. There is one aspect though that I have never talked about and that sometimes still bothers me: the huge disappointment caused by my ex-mother-in-law.
Continue readingA good human being
My mother never talked about herself or the things she experienced in her life. But I know she had a tough life that made her who she is: hard and bitter. This shaped not only her life but my life as well. Our relationship is a continuation of her own trauma, and I am only slowly carving my way out of it.
Continue readingAbandoned
I can barely remember my childhood and teenage years. I have repressed most memories from that time of my life, but I know that I felt abandoned by everyone. No one was there and nothing was talked about. That feeling of people leaving me all alone, I have carried with me for a long time.
Continue readingSilent protection
After leaving a place I completely cut all connections with my past. I stop talking to my friends. I don’t have any old relationships with anyone. People find this strange. How can you not keep ties with other people? Don’t you miss your friends? Yes partly. It’s not that they are not on my mind. Sometimes I wish I could talk with them or know what they are doing, but at the same time it’s not what I want.
Continue readingGrace and closure
I left my long-term boyfriend in the worst possible way. It’s one of my biggest regrets in life. It’s not the break-up that I regret, but the hurtful way I went through with it. He did not deserve this. I was a coward and a fool. I convinced myself that I understood life, but the truth is, he was way ahead of me.
Continue readingLost control
He died. That’s drama enough. Everyone showed compassion and nobody knew what to say. But the background is that I was hiding him and I was embarrassed to tell people that I was pregnant. I can’t have him now and I didn’t even honor him by showing my joy for his existence. I so wish now that I could do it differently.
Continue readingWhitewashing
In a way he ruined my life. I don’t know. Maybe it was my lack of self-confidence that prevented me from leaving him sooner. But I liked him. We could have had a great marriage. He could have had a nice and successful life with me, but he simply didn’t play along.
Continue readingI was a huge asshole
Once you start telling a person “I love you” there is no going back. At the beginning it’s real. Towards the end you are less confident about saying it but you don’t want to show it. That’s when it only gets worse, and that for me, is cowardice. Cowardice is something that underlies a lot of my relationships. Now that I have realized this over the past years, I can call it out more easily.
Continue readingThe heartbroken child is still there
In my mind I created this romantic father that he should have been or rather who I’d still like to have. I still miss this person. I would like to tell him about my life, my struggles, my sadness. I would like to have him as partner in crime and a person of trust.
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