I did what my mother used to do when she dropped me at the airport. I stood as close as I could to the hospital fence and waved until you had disappeared. You turned around several times to look at me, laughing. I was the last person you called before you turned off your phone. You said you were already wearing support stockings, I said, well then, nothing can go wrong.
Continue readingTag: love
A good human being
My mother never talked about herself or the things she experienced in her life. But I know she had a tough life that made her who she is: hard and bitter. This shaped not only her life but my life as well. Our relationship is a continuation of her own trauma, and I am only slowly carving my way out of it.
Continue readingUnwelcome dreams
Every month for a week, I dream that I am back together with my ex-husband and everything is fabulous. I wake up in the middle of the night and miss my old life while my husband is lying next to me. He has no idea about this. Not for anything in the world would I want to go back, but I can’t turn off these dreams. It’s a disaster.
Continue readingAbandoned
I can barely remember my childhood and teenage years. I have repressed most memories from that time of my life, but I know that I felt abandoned by everyone. No one was there and nothing was talked about. That feeling of people leaving me all alone, I have carried with me for a long time.
Continue readingMissed opportunities
I’m a piece of my grandmother in terms of personality and how I look at life. There is a core piece of her soul that resides in me. She would have been happy to hear from me before she died. I fucked up, because I just looked at it logically. I was worried about what I had to say and how futile it would be. I am sure she would have understood this. I am sure she knew that I loved her. But I should have cared more about what she might have wanted to say to me rather than what I would have said to her.
Continue readingDifferent journeys
Since we broke up, my life has changed in many ways and there are so many new perspectives that I have incorporated into what I believe and who I am. I loved him and I still care about him, so I wish I could talk to him about what I have learned and initiate similar thoughts in him in some way.
Continue readingSilent protection
After leaving a place I completely cut all connections with my past. I stop talking to my friends. I don’t have any old relationships with anyone. People find this strange. How can you not keep ties with other people? Don’t you miss your friends? Yes partly. It’s not that they are not on my mind. Sometimes I wish I could talk with them or know what they are doing, but at the same time it’s not what I want.
Continue readingGrace and closure
I left my long-term boyfriend in the worst possible way. It’s one of my biggest regrets in life. It’s not the break-up that I regret, but the hurtful way I went through with it. He did not deserve this. I was a coward and a fool. I convinced myself that I understood life, but the truth is, he was way ahead of me.
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I have been insecure about my sexuality most of my adult life. It has not and was not always on the forefront of my mind, but the insecurities were always there. I wondered what was wrong with me because I didn’t really like sex, and I kind of hoped that this would change once I’d get into a relationship, which it did, but I can still say that I don’t feel like I have what I think would be considered a normal level of sexual desire.
Continue readingLost control
He died. That’s drama enough. Everyone showed compassion and nobody knew what to say. But the background is that I was hiding him and I was embarrassed to tell people that I was pregnant. I can’t have him now and I didn’t even honor him by showing my joy for his existence. I so wish now that I could do it differently.
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