My mother never talked about herself or the things she experienced in her life. But I know she had a tough life that made her who she is: hard and bitter. This shaped not only her life but my life as well. Our relationship is a continuation of her own trauma, and I am only slowly carving my way out of it.
Continue readingTag: parents
Abandoned
I can barely remember my childhood and teenage years. I have repressed most memories from that time of my life, but I know that I felt abandoned by everyone. No one was there and nothing was talked about. That feeling of people leaving me all alone, I have carried with me for a long time.
Continue readingSilent protection
After leaving a place I completely cut all connections with my past. I stop talking to my friends. I don’t have any old relationships with anyone. People find this strange. How can you not keep ties with other people? Don’t you miss your friends? Yes partly. It’s not that they are not on my mind. Sometimes I wish I could talk with them or know what they are doing, but at the same time it’s not what I want.
Continue readingDark spots
I had a very small family that consisted only of my parents, two grandmothers and me. Of those four, I wished three of them dead. This is a dark chapter from my past that I don’t like to look at.
Continue readingThere is no perfect
I would label myself a relationship addict. I have these weird controversial ideas about life. I tried to dig deep in my feelings, emotions and reactions to find out what was the reason I became like this. Why are relationships so important to me and how am I functioning at all in relationships?
Continue readingI stand up for myself
I would like to tell my mother that she did nothing wrong. She feels that I am giving her the impression that she did something wrong because of how I live my life. I wish for her to be able to better accept me for who I am and what I believe. I wish for myself that I could speak out my mind without fearing an escalation of emotions in every instance.
Continue readingIs there unconditional love?
If I said this to my parents, I assume that our relationship would end. I am not ready to say it to them. I don’t really know how this would affect my mind. But I think it’s at the core of why I’m unhappy with my life even now.
Continue readingThe heartbroken child is still there
In my mind I created this romantic father that he should have been or rather who I’d still like to have. I still miss this person. I would like to tell him about my life, my struggles, my sadness. I would like to have him as partner in crime and a person of trust.
Continue readingWas it really necessary to be so modest?
I recognize some of my mother’s characteristics in me, things that I’ve learned from her and which I regard highly. Of course, I sometimes ask myself if it was really necessary to be so modest. If she had possessed more, everything would have been more relaxed. But I learned this modesty from her because she had to live it. In my life I benefited from this experience and I would like to thank her for this. Without her example I wouldn’t have been able to support my own family in the past and today.
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